1/3/2025

happy new year friends. hopefully this one is better than the last.

i'm realizing that i'm finally in a relationship where i feel truly happy and secure, minus little tiny things that i get over quickly. i don't constantly operate under the fear of being cheated on (again) or the fear that he secretly hates me or something. i just feel normal. i don't want anyone messing that up. please leave us alone ;;

people like interfering and pining for really stupid reasons. i'm not with you anymore and i don't ever want to be with you again. can't you just move on? i'm talking to you directly. or are you just gonna write another sad journal entry and pray that i read it? heal and move on. i'm doing that now. can't you? are you seriously gonna be stuck missing me forever? what a pathetic existence. move on and find some rando on vrchat. isn't that what you always wanted? isn't that why you kept flirting with someone online when we got back together? you're finally free. aren't you happy now? savor it!

overall mood: distressed/10

1/4/2025

isn't it weird that we live in a world that's filled with docile little alien creatures that try to communicate with us? like our store cat looked up and meowed at me and i was like damn. you're trying to talk to me and i have no fucking idea what you're saying but you sure are trying. would be cool if there were some sort of universal spiritual language we could use for like animals and shit. anyways

if i have to see bug one more time im going to crash the fuck out

im very tired and i want work to be over with so i can see my beloved

i am also very distressed over my stunning lack of direction and lack of care to do anything

overall mood: 4/10

1/7/2025

trying very hard to get my shit together and start coding consistently. i found a roadmap to becoming a front-end/full-stack (haven't decided which) developer that i plan on following. i know html and css for the most part so now i have to move on to javascript and hope for the best. everything will be okay.

i love and miss my friends and i'm happy that i've had the opportunity to make new ones. i appreciate everyone that's lingered around in my life... you make everything worth it. i love you guys!

overall mood: 8/10

1/13/2025

10:44 AM and i've gotten like no coding done. been too busy harrassing my loving boyfriend. i meant husband. you're reading this over my shoulder aren't you?

anyways i have no idea what i'm supposed to do with my life or what i'm currently doing with it but i'm pleased! not much else to say.

expect a longer entry later maybe?

overall mood: 8/10

1/17/2025

i still don't really understand why things had to happen that way. why we couldn't have just been good friends. why did you have to take from me? you knew i had been used in the past, too. you're so unfair.

being with my beloved makes me feel better but that won't happen until a few days from now

1/25/2025

hi. been a while since i typed a coherent thought on here. hopefully all is well for you guys.

fucked up at work researching suicide methods. fuck my entire life dawg

1/28/25

bought steins;gate last night on steam. looking forward to playing it. maybe tomorrow?

career finding is slowly getting easier. i really want to do something i enjoy even if its at the cost of making less money. why do i care about making a fuckload of money anyways? i've never been concerned about that. i would rather do anthropology or art or something and be happy instead of rich. plus, i have dan with me, so how bad can it really be? :)

overall mood: 6/10 and improving

today's prompt: 547. What do you think people say to each other when you're not around?

sometimes i catch myself overthinking about this very thing. what do people really think about me? how do they talk about me when i'm not around? the logical part of me likes to think that perhaps they comment on my personality, style, etc. whether in a positive or a negative way i'm not sure. or they talk about my absence? perhaps fondly? i hope sometimes they talk about me as if they miss me and wish i were around. that is the desire of my heart.

1/29/2025

today has been a quite day so far; though it is only 11:33 AM as of me typing this. i woke up around 7:45 AM after having a strange dream and tormented dan with it for 5 minutes before climbing out of bed to grab my copy of American Psycho. i read for about an hour before i got bored and woke dan up again. this time we actually got out of bed, got dressed, and i drove us to einstein's for coffee. this is a typical morning for us now. it's very peaceful; simple. i quite enjoy it!!

i revamped my journal on a whim. now the individual dates are accessible via the links in the sidebar. this is so that you don't have to scroll for a millennia to access the latest entry. fancy! and i archived all of the entries from 2024 on a separate page. if you'd like to read my schizophrenic autistic ramblings from the previous year, you are more than welcome to do so.

today i have listened to two devo albums thus far, as well as one new order album. i've been on a bit of an 80's kick recently. hopefully i start listening to good music soon. until then oingo boingo and devo will reign supreme in my recently-listened-to section.

i have the day off but my love does not. after he leaves i have no idea what i will do with the rest of my day. such is life. maybe i'll do something useful? this is very unlikely.

today's prompt: 738. What is something you are pessimistic about?

sometimes i find myself feeling pessimistic about the future, or the state of the world. i often think that things will only get worse as time goes by, in a general sense. whether this is correct or not? we'll only find out when we get there.

matthew 16:26

later that day...

i couldn't find the albert camus book i wanted at the downtown library, so i ended up going to one further out. stayed there for a while to read. i'm overcome by a sort of forlorn, longing feeling. it will pass eventually. i'm glad everything is okay, or that it will be. be safe.

1/30/2025

my morning has been off to a good start. i got up early enough this morning to go get coffee at dunkin and read more american psycho. dunkin finally has their brownie batter donuts back, needless to say i was ecstatic. they're just as good as i remember, too! afterwards i picked up some pimple patches (the cute ones that are cut into little shapes) from ulta and got gas. i found a new monster flavor at the gas station, which i plan on trying later today to keep myself awake for my shift. work is very slow so far but sometimes that's a good thing.

when i went to some random store i found a section spray painted with the words "free diddy." i giggled a little.

pictures from my morning...

i am trying to stay optimistic, but every day i seem to experience a significant amount of dread when thinking about my desired career path. actually, my lack of one. i want to do something related to anthropology or psychology, but paying for school to major in one of these topics is nearly impossible. i suppose i'll have to make it work if that's what i really want to do. it's better than having no degree, i guess. or maybe i'll give up and do coding. either way, i really hope i end up doing something that i genuinely enjoy and not get stuck with a job that i hate. i don't have enough time on this earth to do things that i don't like.

3:07 PM EST - sometimes i think about how much i wanted to kiss you that night and it drives me up a wall.

today's prompt: 149. What animal do you identify with most closely?

probably a bat as i enjoy sleeping and i make ear-piercing noises.

6:29 PM EST

freaked the fuck out over nothing and excused myself to the bathroom to cry. i'm on the cusp of relapsing on alcohol but i'm simply too lazy to go buy more. that requires effort. effort that i cannot give at this moment. people at work are extremely annoying and making me want to crawl under a rock and stay there forever. i would only come out to eat. maybe not even that. i remembered that i had my razor in my bag but felt too guilty to take it out. who cuts at work, anyways? i'm not that much of a loser. at least, i don't think so. i'm going to blast one hundred years and love will tear us apart on the way home until my ears bleed. good night.

1-31-2025

had to open the store this morning; woke up at 6 AM. couldn't get my ass out of bed so i slept for another ten minutes before finally getting up and putting on clothes. commute sucked, typical florida traffic. didn't have enough time to go to dunkin so i grabbed a starbucks frappuccino thing from publix and called it a day. 5/10. tummy hurts but i'm being very brave about it.

i finished having my Massive Tweak-Out yesterday and, after crying off and on for about three hours, settled down for bed and calmed down. some things are best left forgotten, i think. i need to learn how to do that. lest i cause any more problems. its no one's fault but my own that things are like this. if i can't be trusted then what do we even have? it scares me. sorry for not making any sense. i'm trying. the caffeine is not waking me up.

my package came in yesterday and i got a couple of new dresses and long-sleeve shirts. also my ita bag! i set it up last night and i'm quite pleased with how it turned out. i would wear my new clothes tonight to kava but i highly doubt that i'm going. too depressed.

12:25 PM

so hungry. actually suffering. finally finished american psycho. highly recommend. i have to return some videotapes...

12:21 AM

just got home from kava, i was able to spend some time with danny and jhom. i was a bit stressed over some girls that i don't like showing up but fortunately it didn't ruin my night. i had a small glass of kratom and sat outside with my friends and bf. my outfit turned out great; i got a new dress that came with a tie and i bought some opaque black tights to go with it. i get to see danny again tomorrow which will be nice. i got compliments on my outfit all night and people stared at me, which is slightly uncomfortable but something i can deal with. i work tomorrow afternoon so i won't wake up super early. goodnight.

2/1/2025

woke up at 9 AM feeling refreshed. i put away my laundry and put together a bag of clothes i didn't wear anymore to take to goodwill. after a brief conversation with mom about our respective jobs while i applied my makeup i left to go take care of some chores before work. i dropped off my donations and went to get a smoothie from tropical smoothie. i was appalled to learn that it was 700 calories, but i added a supplement (appetite suppressant) to it so it isn't nearly as bad. i have also dropped from 140 lbs to 131 lbs. i still have a little ways to go but it could be worse. i am very excited to see my boyfriend tonight :)

today's prompt: 463. Has religion played a role in your life? How?

for those of you who don't know, i was raised primarily pentecostal although the church we went to basically classifies as non-denominational. i left christianity around the age of 14-15 due to disappointment in the church/other christians and out of an overpowering need to explore my own beliefs and morals instead of what was fed to me. nowadays i would probably describe myself as agnostic, with some roots in paganism. i believe that there is some sort of external force that exists and that we can interact with, i'm just not sure who or what or how it is. i appreciate world religions and find them to be fascinating, and i love studying religious texts, but i wouldn't say that religion plays a large role in my life.

2/2/2025

stayed overnight with danny last night, he's very sick and i've been trying my best to make him feel better. i brought him some chicken noodle soup so hopefully he'll stay warm and hydrated. i love him so much, i really wanna make sure he's okay ;; he's my whole world. i didn't sleep very much but it was worth it to make sure he was alright. i left for work around 10:45-ish and got some mcdonald's. i ate sooo much today, i feel like such a fatass. but my body needs a cheat day sometimes to keep my metabolism in check. sure, that's what it is. currently sipping on some taro milk tea and waiting for 7 PM to hit.

i see my blonde roots growing back out so i'm going to redye my hair blue tonight. praying to the hair dye gods that i don't stain my skin before i have to go out tomorrow.

also noticed that my taro milk tea is the same color as the background of my journal page.

6:00 PM EST

the empty feeling has come to rest within me again. is emptiness even a feeling? it's supposed to be the absence of feeling. right? how can i even feel empty? anyways... feeling hopeless and contemplating again. i won't do anything drastic but my mind seems to keep coming back to it.

2/4/2025

yesterday was the nicest day i've had in a very long time. danny and i were both off of work and he was feeling better so we decided to spend the day together. we meandered around at the mall, the bookstore, etc. we hit up a record store that we hadn't been to before and i was able to find hysteria by def leppard (pictured below) and speaking in tongues by talking heads; both on cassette. afterwards we decided to go to the outlet mall near our kava bar to take pictures. i brought my instax mini camera with me and we took lots of cute photos together. he's a pretty good photographer himself!! i took some pictures of the koi fish in the ponds, one of which i gave to jo.

all in all, i had an amazing day with dan and i can't wait to see him tomorrow. even if i'm away from him for a day i miss him dearly. i can't wait for the day when we get to live together. while we were at the kava bar i took out a small journal that i definitely didn't steal from anywhere and we "interviewed" each other. i also got bored and made us write out our conversations back and forth. his handwriting is really cool. it definitely reflects his character. :)

right now i'm at work and it's busier than usual. i would very much like to go home but that won't be happening until 7 PM. hopefully no later than that. thanks for reading.

2/7/2025

so i relapsed last night. it happens, i guess. i just have to move on and keep going. sorry for all the trouble.

i went to a nature park yesterday, it was a really nice experience. i took my walkman and my film camera and relaxed for a couple of hours. i have pictures that i took of the scenery which i'll add to this entry after work. luckily i get off at a reasonable time today. i saw a gopher tortoise, which, if i remember correctly, is an endangered species. he was cool. just chilling in some grass. wish that were me.

my organs hurt so perhaps this is my body's last hurrah before it finally shuts down. hopefully it happens at work so they'll send me home. i need a new fucking job dawg.

2/8/2025

dude i fucking hate my job so much. i can't wait to get another one so i can put my two weeks in. i'm overworked underpaid and underfucked. everyone here is so fucking annoying minus like a couple of people i work with. i wanna go home. fortunately i'm seeing danny tonight so things will be a little better but fuck i'm so tired.

2/9/2025

pulled up to work after talking to my boss about a raise; got told by my manager that i do a shit job; got the raise anyways. what kind of RNG is this?

today i am still on shark week and i feel like dog shit. i would like to go home but alas i can't leave until 7:15 (which i am going to make 7:10 just to be a dickhead.) $15 an hour SUCKS. but i guess it could be worse. at least it's weekly pay. i need a nap. the monster has not helped at all, in fact it has made me more tired. i should change my phone number.

2/10/2025

woke up at the asscrack of dawn (7:30 AM) to go meet my bf at the cafe we usually hang out at. i have nothing planned for the day, really. it's just nice to have a day off to spend with him. my hair and makeup look like shit today. but it's better than not wearing makeup at all like i've been doing for the past two days. i just got lazy, i suppose. and unmotivated. nothing has been motivating me at all lately. maybe music? my discman comes in the mail today. i won't be home to test it until tomorrow so until then it'll sit in my room.

i've been thinking a lot about college and what i plan on doing with my life. haven't i said this at least 20 times before in this journal? i think very hard about what i want to do with my life, and then i do nothing. i just can't act on anything. not sure what the deal is there; maybe i'm so resigned from life that i don't care enough to do anything with my future. i got a caramel cream cold brew this morning and it is very good. too bad it's 220 cals for a small. but at least i get to enjoy myself.

on another note, hearing the old men next to me talk about football and how their team "dominated" (no uncertain terms) the other team is a little... closeted. signing off for now.

2/12/2025

at work. fortunately only working 1-7 today. still, the day feels very long... probably because i woke up at 9 AM for no particular reason. i got some little valentine's day things for danny, since that's coming up. i'm very happy that i get to spend valentine's day with him, it'll be a nice, simple day. i'm looking forward to seeing him again; i miss him a lot.

i've almost completely given up on being sober. i've noticed since i stopped drinking i've been infinitely more suicidal. that was the one buffer i could use against the harsh realities of the world. i'm so tired...

2/13/2025

it is 6:48 PM. i am sitting at a kava bar on my laptop looking for new jobs, as i got let go from mine today! i have stadium arcadium (disc 1) playing on my audiovox DM8801-IP portable cd player. but to everyone who asks i just call it a discman because who wants to hear all of that? what a mouthful. i went scouting for work today and- oh dear. strip my mind just came on. i think i might cry in public. how embarrassing...

life hasn't been going the way i expected it would recently. it's not horrible by any means but it definitely isn't good. fortunately, i'm giving myself one more chance to fix everything. to put things right. if i don't? well... who knows what will happen. it's not like i have an escape plan or anything. or do i? i suppose it's up to interpretation.

i said i was giving up on sobriety but i think that was just the alcohol talking. i got a book about the "twelve steps and twelve traditions" which is admittedly very humbling to read in public. "hey look everyone! i have a substance abuse problem! i can't function normally without a known carcinogen running through my bloodstream!" it's so horrid. i guess in a way it makes other people in my situation feel less alone. dan spoke to me about that the other day. "what if one day your story and the things you went through saves someone else?" it was a lot to take in. i was wasted off of soju in a parking lot texting him and waiting for my friend malena to arrive. i missed them a lot! we hung out at the park after dark (hey, that rhymes) for a bit and spoke of our lives and how they're going. they seem very happy in their relationship and i'm very happy for them. it's what they've always deserved.

apologies for such a long entry today; the words keep falling off of my fingertips and i feel like i have to make up for not writing worthwhile entries this entire time. i've been so stressed out with work and life, or perhaps the lack thereof. i don't feel like i have much life left anymore. hopefully in time i'll recover it and give myself a reason to live again. my main reasons to live are dan and malena, currently. i think they're more than enough. mostly because i'm frightened of what they would do if i passed suddenly. i love them a lot. more than my words can express.

i struggled with the RHCP cd case for about 5 minutes trying to get to the second disk before realizing that you just. flip it over. that's how my night is going. i hope yours is better.

2/14/2025

happy valentine's day! aside from a few minor panic attacks my day has been great. dan got me flowers, some fancy chocolate, and a short story collection to read. i'm very excited to partake in it. i'm currently relistening to either/or by elliott smith while i write. i miss him sometimes. he was taken from us much too soon.

on the bright side- one moment i have to pause my music. someone unsavory passed. anyways on the bright side i got two interviews on my second day of job searching! veyy excited for the one on monday; it's a photographer assistant position. it sounds riveting. hopefully one of these jobs will pull through. i have the photography one in the bag though. very excited!!!

dan is seated in front of me and is hard at work with.... something. i couldn't tell you what. probably more youtube stuff? his last video was very good and i look forward to seeing the next thing he creates. i love him very much.

2/15/2025

i seem to have this really weird mental concept when it comes to recovery. there's some part of my brain, miniscule, that says "maybe you don't actually need help. you constantly see these people that have totally hit rock bottom, that have no job, that lost family members, etc. but that's not you. what's the point in saying you're 'recovering' when there's not really anything to recover from? you're totally fine." it makes me feel fradulent. do i need to drink and cut myself daily to survive and feel normal? no, i don't feel like i do. so maybe i'm totally normal and i'm just deluding myself into thinking that there's something wrong with me for attention. it's like the eating disorder thing. i'm not "recovering," i think my brain just wants an excuse to get fat again. not sure if i'm right or wrong, but i'm somewhat unwilling to challenge myself.

i know i have nothing to lose by choosing to get better, but can i even call it recovery? i'm just suffering from typical melancholy. if i acted like this a few decades ago surely i would've gotten lobotomized. but no matter. i'm not even sure what my point was, if i ever had a point. for lack of better wording i'm fine compared to other people. there's nothing wrong with me. i refuse to admit it.

no nevermind i brought up the concept with my boyfriend and i got mildly perturbed(?) when he implied that there might not be anything wrong with me. maybe there is. but it's not severe. it's very mild. manageable.

2/16/2025

got up around 9:30 this morning, told mom about what happened with my previous job. she seems excited for me to have my interview on monday. right now i'm sitting at kava working on my journal and researching investing/financials. i need as much knowledge as i can get about money right now, haha. focusing is hard but i'm managing. i also got my nails done today, they're this cool-toned red color.

i've recently been reunited with some old friends, i'm very happy to be able to talk to them again.

2/17/2025

unexplainably depressed again. i suppose this is just how my brain is going to operate now. we'll get anxious at random and we'll get sad at random. this shit is annoying. you mention a girl for two seconds around juno and it's like the entire fucking world is ending. like hello??

day was good besides that. sitting next to my beloved at a kava bar trying to calm myself and write or journal or do something productive. life is so boring and joyless but soon it'll be remedied. i should be happy with my newfound freedom now that i'm not working but i can't help but feel useless. rip.

2/18/2025

slept. awoke. went back to bed again and then slept until almost 11 AM. recognized this as an insane waste of time and got ready to go study and job hunt at the library. in fact, that's where i am as of writing this. i applied to a few more jobs and i have two interviews scheduled for thursday. mildly perturbed about not getting hired on the spot for the photographer assistant position but i suppose good things come to those who are patient. i am not a particularly patient person but i will make do. i miss danny.

i brought my discman with me so i could listen to wish you were here by pink floyd, finished that album and i have now moved on to tomahawk. mike patton my beloved. i had a shaken espresso and it has done nothing to wake me up. somehow i find myself able to accomplish basic tasks. glad i brought my jacket because boy is it freezing in here. after i feel satisfied with my job searching i plan on going to the record store a few paces from here. as of writing it is 1:51 PM EST.

9:41 PM

my drinking privileges need to be permanently revoked because what the fuck is even this. i cried watching forrest gump (normal i'm assuming) and when i went to go take a shower i totally freaked the fuck out mentally. i found a spot on my back and figured "guess i have cancer" and then after 10 minutes of trying to dispell that as false my brain instead decided to say that hey maybe you;re just not sexually attractive enough!! maybe something is terribly wrong with you!! if you're not attractive, sexy, whatever, what the fuck are you? you're nothing at all if someone can't get their rocks off to you. you're totally useless, in fact. better keep yourself in shape before he leaves, too. ooooooh.

2/19/2025

i'm listening to lovage and i'm tweaking this album has the funniest fucking opening i've ever heard. mike patton you're a fucking genius

in other news i'm so tired and depressed that i can barely function. it has taken every ounce of my mental fortitude to go to the library and study. i'm tired to the point of being delirious actually. holy shit. i'm like "maybe i'm not trying hard enough" and then i burn myself out completely like a boss. and then all the trauma shit on top of it. woe is mich; hello indeed and glassdoor i can simply only apply to so many things and call them and try to get in! surely you must offer me SOMETHING! why is god punishing me i pinched the bridge of my nose and i'm so anxious i can feel my pulse through it. a girl at the mall said i looked pretty today and i had no idea how to respond. i cant focus on a single topic. i am losing my mind

2/20/2025

good morning! i was woken up by my loving future husband at 7 AM, much to my dismay. we both have interviews today. both of mine are for jobs i could not possibly care less about, but i will pretend i care. i will update you guys on how this goes; my first one is at 10:30 AM EST.

2/21/2025

yet another interview tomorrow! this time it's for a game host position at an escape room. sounds fun, no? also even if my previous interviews fall through i'm guaranteed at least a trial run on monday for a new position. it's a little cafe... i'm excited to see how it goes. so far nothing from the photography place, but i can't say that i really want that job anymore. the vibe just felt.. off i guess? they're nice people there, don't get me wrong, but i don't feel like i would fit in. i don't think i fit in anywhere, but least of all there. they're too uppity. or whatever the word is.

also these fucks are sending my last paycheck via the mail so now i have to sit here with my thumb up my ass and wait for money to fall into my lap. luckily mom helped out a bit but i feel strange being a grown woman and still relying on my mom for support. i even live with her still. how embarrassing... but in this economy it's hard to live on your own. soon my bf and i will be living together and maybe things will be less nerve-wracking then. for now i'm not altogether pleased with my situation but i'll make it work for me however i can.

i'm listening to sigur ros today. i've heard a bit about them but i haven't listened to their music until this morning. very beautiful. if you don't like sigur ros you're wrong because david bowie, radiohead, and mike patton like them. anyways now i'm seated at a cafe with my beloved and i'm supposed to be "working" but there is nothing for me to work on. i feel somewhat depressed but after i start working again it should dissipate. take care.

2/23/2025

backstrokin' - mr bungle

performed cleansing on my journal. focusing on other things from now on. won't be venting as much. thank you for sticking around to read everything.

at a small cafe this morning. drinking a lemon mint tea. no caffeine in it so hopefully i won't have a meltdown and start freaking out about nothing again. here's to hoping.

7:49 PM

went to kava. i would like to work on or make something but i'm at a loss as to what i should do. i feel a little bit useless but i'm sure the feeling will pass. people are scary. i'm glad they're just vessels. and not real. much better...

2/24/2025

slept way too much last night. i woke up at 8, went back to sleep, and woke up again at 11. finally got my ass out of bed, showered, washed my hair, and got dressed for the day. i stopped at mcdonald's and got a big ass coffee (which i'm pretty sure gave me a headache) and went to the library to do fuck all. and by fuck all i mean join a sobriety subreddit and listen to some new music. today i listened to sgt pepper by the beatles and full moon fever by tom petty. both are amazing albums and i highly recommend them. i get to see my beloved later today, which i am very excited for. i hope the rest of you have a good day.

2/26/2025

i read the news today, oh boy...

things are finally looking up, i believe. yesterday i started my new job at the cafe and i ended up really enjoying it. it's stressful in the mornings and there will be a lot to learn, but i'm excited at the idea of it. the store owners and the rest of the staff are very nice! i don't think i'll have any issues getting along with the people there. all of the regulars are lovely, too.

i also attended my first AA meeting, which was initially super scary but i settled in relatively quickly. the majority of the people at the meeting were way older than me, 50+ years old. a few were in their 30's. they were extremely open and welcoming and made me feel at home. a few of the women from the meeting came and sat down next to and in front of me, very eager to make my first meeting as easy as possible. they even gave me a paper slip with their names and phone numbers on it in case i'm struggling and need someone to talk to. i haven't felt this included and cared for in a long time. got lots of "mom hugs." at the end they invited anyone new or starting over to get a "surrender chip," a white chip symbolizing your commitment to recovery. i was hesitant but got up to receive mine. i'm officially marking 2/25/2025 as the first day of the rest of my life.

today i woke up around 10 (exhausted) and decided to go to the library near my house; not the far out one that i usually go to. it's quite small and cute but i don't like how short their hours are :( they're only open from 12-6 today which isn't a very long time. i think it'll be just enough time to get some work done and read. i started taking vitamins today. i got some general "women's health" ones that are a mishmash of everything but the kitchen sink and then magnesium since it wasn't included in the mix. i think they'll help my body during recovering and stuff since i won't feel like shit all the time. today i also managed to figure out why my discman wasn't working. it helps to move the switch from "lock" to "unlock" when you want to use it! who would've thought. i am listening to sgt pepper's lonely hearts club band for the third time this week. i think i have grown past hating the beatles just because.

2/27/2025

i am quite anxious today, for what reason i have no idea. maybe it was the coffee i had at work this morning? but that can't be. it was only a small iced coffee. maybe it's that, i don't know. work went great today; my manager is very impressed with my progress and says i'm a fast learner. it's a badge i wear with pride. i work again on monday, as far as i know. i'm sooo tired. tired and anxious is a weird combo. makes me want to dull myself. but i can't, obviously.

to cope with how i'm feeling i decided to go to another meeting tonight. hopefully the sense of community and an ability to talk about how i feel will help me. without that i would have nothing; no way to cope. the only ways to cope i really know are by using substances. i would really like to never do that again. who knows what will happen next.

i wish i had something more optimistic to say today. there's always tomorrow. i hate not having money/having to throw it all at gas i'm gonna kms

3:06 PM EST

small update!! after listening to supertramp i put on wildflowers by tom petty and it almost instantly made me stop worrying which is crazy?? sometimes calming music is all i need i guess. i also finally remembered to reply to elle on discord whoops. love you girl ;w;

like i said on my profile, life is definitely better when you're not constantly thinking about how sick in the head you are and how you have all this trauma and bleghhhhh. it's not constructive at all! i've tried distancing myself (gradually) from people who sap my energy and have no desire to get better. i love them, and i wish them all the best, but i can't stay healthy while dragging around people that will always be the same. unless they magically decide to change one day. i'm not totally cutting them off because that's cruel but i'm definitely conserving my mental energy. holy shit malena just texted me! i'm gonna go answer that. byeee

3/1/2025

me, getting ready to listen to peak this morning... *places mr bungle self-titled cd into discman*

good morning! we are officially on day four of sobriety which is fun i suppose. feels like such a small number when you think about it. i'm chilling at ye ol cafe with my future husband again and working on absolutely nothing. i have decided to dick around and maybe perhaps possibly apply to more evening jobs. i secured my morning one (at the german cafe, i'm lovin it) so now i'm just looking for something to occupy me in the evenings. also i'm broke as FUCK so it would help to have two jobs methinks. although i will be exhausted.

danny offered to go with me to an AA meeting which was very sweet but i'll have to decline because holy shit imagine how awkward that would be. if i have to utter the words "hi i'm juno i'm an alcoholic" OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF HIM i will cry and shit my pants. but anyways will update later i don't have very much to talk about.

3/5/2025

sorry for the late update! i've been settling in nicely to my new morning job and learning a lot there. also settling into AA meetings quite well. i've been looking into a couple of different groups but i really like the one i go to now, even if it is a bit far. good community there. i finished my shift at 12 PM and decided to hang out at the library afterwards, where i am currently writing this entry and listening to california by mr bungle.

haven't been mentally sound for a day or two but i'm trying. got so bad i had to call the hotline last night and they put me on hold, which was so funny that it made me forget why i was calling in the first place. sobriety is hard. being a drunkard is harder but. god i am not enjoying being sober as much as i thought i would. every little thing makes me want to run back to the bottle; it's infuriating. for now i'm taking things one day at a time. sometimes that's all you can do.

3/7/2025

i know i made kind of a half-assed vow that i wasn't going to be sad on my journal but i have to break it just for today. today is super rough. it was a little rough last night but especially now. jealousy and insecurity are going to be the death of me; primarily insecurity.

i don't know how to not feel threatened by other women in my bf's life. like it doesn't even matter who they are, i just constantly feel threatened. i'm mortified by the idea of him being close to another woman that isn't me. i don't know where it came from or why but i wish it would go away. i want to live in peace with everyone but it's nearly impossible with the way my brain works right now. we had a huge argument about it and i feel like shit.

there's not a single meeting that i can go to before or after my shift. i'm having a horrible time coping and got about a gnat's ass away from drinking. only reason i didn't was cause i don't have the money to do that. after i get tips tonight, who knows? kidding...

super depressed and feeling ignored. really don't know what to do. wish i had a sponsor rn.