1/3/2025
happy new year friends. hopefully this one is better than the last.
i'm realizing that i'm finally in a relationship where i feel truly happy and secure, minus little tiny things that i get over quickly. i don't constantly operate under the fear of being cheated on (again) or the fear that he secretly hates me or something. i just feel normal. i don't want anyone messing that up. please leave us alone ;;
people like interfering and pining for really stupid reasons. i'm not with you anymore and i don't ever want to be with you again. can't you just move on? i'm talking to you directly. or are you just gonna write another sad journal entry and pray that i read it? heal and move on. i'm doing that now. can't you? are you seriously gonna be stuck missing me forever? what a pathetic existence. move on and find some rando on vrchat. isn't that what you always wanted? isn't that why you kept flirting with someone online when we got back together? you're finally free. aren't you happy now? savor it!
overall mood: distressed/10
1/4/2025
isn't it weird that we live in a world that's filled with docile little alien creatures that try to communicate with us? like our store cat looked up and meowed at me and i was like damn. you're trying to talk to me and i have no fucking idea what you're saying but you sure are trying. would be cool if there were some sort of universal spiritual language we could use for like animals and shit. anyways
if i have to see bug one more time im going to crash the fuck out
im very tired and i want work to be over with so i can see my beloved
i am also very distressed over my stunning lack of direction and lack of care to do anything
overall mood: 4/10
1/7/2025
trying very hard to get my shit together and start coding consistently. i found a roadmap to becoming a front-end/full-stack (haven't decided which) developer that i plan on following. i know html and css for the most part so now i have to move on to javascript and hope for the best. everything will be okay.
i love and miss my friends and i'm happy that i've had the opportunity to make new ones. i appreciate everyone that's lingered around in my life... you make everything worth it. i love you guys!
overall mood: 8/10
1/13/2025
10:44 AM and i've gotten like no coding done. been too busy harrassing my loving boyfriend. i meant husband. you're reading this over my shoulder aren't you?
anyways i have no idea what i'm supposed to do with my life or what i'm currently doing with it but i'm pleased! not much else to say.
expect a longer entry later maybe?
overall mood: 8/10
1/17/2025
i still don't really understand why things had to happen that way. why we couldn't have just been good friends. why did you have to take from me? you knew i had been used in the past, too. you're so unfair.
being with my beloved makes me feel better but that won't happen until a few days from now
1/25/2025
hi. been a while since i typed a coherent thought on here. hopefully all is well for you guys.
fucked up at work researching suicide methods. fuck my entire life dawg
1/28/25
bought steins;gate last night on steam. looking forward to playing it. maybe tomorrow?
career finding is slowly getting easier. i really want to do something i enjoy even if its at the cost of making less money. why do i care about making a fuckload of money anyways? i've never been concerned about that. i would rather do anthropology or art or something and be happy instead of rich. plus, i have dan with me, so how bad can it really be? :)
overall mood: 6/10 and improving
today's prompt: 547. What do you think people say to each other when you're not around?
sometimes i catch myself overthinking about this very thing. what do people really think about me? how do they talk about me when i'm not around? the logical part of me likes to think that perhaps they comment on my personality, style, etc. whether in a positive or a negative way i'm not sure. or they talk about my absence? perhaps fondly? i hope sometimes they talk about me as if they miss me and wish i were around. that is the desire of my heart.
1/29/2025
today has been a quite day so far; though it is only 11:33 AM as of me typing this. i woke up around 7:45 AM after having a strange dream and tormented dan with it for 5 minutes before climbing out of bed to grab my copy of American Psycho. i read for about an hour before i got bored and woke dan up again. this time we actually got out of bed, got dressed, and i drove us to einstein's for coffee. this is a typical morning for us now. it's very peaceful; simple. i quite enjoy it!!
i revamped my journal on a whim. now the individual dates are accessible via the links in the sidebar. this is so that you don't have to scroll for a millennia to access the latest entry. fancy! and i archived all of the entries from 2024 on a separate page. if you'd like to read my schizophrenic autistic ramblings from the previous year, you are more than welcome to do so.
today i have listened to two devo albums thus far, as well as one new order album. i've been on a bit of an 80's kick recently. hopefully i start listening to good music soon. until then oingo boingo and devo will reign supreme in my recently-listened-to section.
i have the day off but my love does not. after he leaves i have no idea what i will do with the rest of my day. such is life. maybe i'll do something useful? this is very unlikely.
today's prompt: 738. What is something you are pessimistic about?
sometimes i find myself feeling pessimistic about the future, or the state of the world. i often think that things will only get worse as time goes by, in a general sense. whether this is correct or not? we'll only find out when we get there.
matthew 16:26
