my journal

04-24-2023 - 12:05 PM EST
currently listening to: tourist history by two door cinema club

hello! i started a journal page here. i think this'll work better than me vomitting my thoughts on twitter all the time (nobody seems to like that lol)

work has been exceptionally slow today. i've dedicated my time to working on my webpage and putting dbt worksheets together. i've had a difficult time with distress tolerance and emotional regulation the past week, so i decided i would work on that a little more. i'm improving a lot!! i feel very safe in my current situation with gf and i don't feel nearly as unstable as i usually do. i love her very much!!

i've made the decision to listen to happier music today. i really like porter robinson's nurture and two door cinema club's tourist history. both are very jovial(?) and uplifting. my girlfriend actually recommended porter robinson's album to me, and i'm glad she did. it's a big favorite of mine right now! i'll be listening to japanese breakfast next.

i feel a lot better emotionally speaking. usually the day after i leave her house (i stayed with her all weekend) i get very sad and unstable. luckily, i've been able to distract myself from those feelings and be semi-productive. physically, i feel well. recovery has been a bit more difficult than i anticipated; i was eating like crazy for the first month or so and now it's hard to eat much at all. even if i'm in the mood to eat, i get halfway through and then i have to stop. that'll be finished soon, i'm told. something about my body having to adjust to my new food intake. oh well!

my body image has also been gradually improving. last night i was a little bothered by my weight gain, but she comforted and reassured me a lot. i'm really lucky to have her. i don't think my recovery would be going nearly as well without her support and love. she's such a sweetheart and she takes very good care of me. i've never felt this loved before by anyone. i hope we're able to spend many years together. i can't imagine a world without her in it. whenever i'm freaking out over something stupid, or if i'm feeling overwhelmed, she's always the voice of reason that calms me down. i hope she knows how much i love her. <33

i think that's all for today, i'll try very hard to keep this rolling at least semi-frequently. god knows i can't focus on more than one thing at a time. until next time!!

04-25-2023 - 12:16 PM EST
currently listening to: talk show host by radiohead

i slept in a lot later than i anticipated today. i originally intended on getting up at 9 AM but i went back to sleep almost immediately. i guess i needed the rest.

i feel weird today. i've been really overthinking my appearance and personality, even though i doubt there's anything seriously wrong with the way i look or act. gf always insists that i look pretty and that she has no desire to leave me, but i'm just scared. i've been scared since last night, i think. i really love her and i don't know what i would do if i lost her or if she decided to leave. i know i'm a lot to deal with sometimes and i'm not an easy person because of my trauma but i'm really glad that she stays.

i keep having thoughts of self-harm for some reason, even if there's nothing going on that warrants doing it. i think my brain is just getting used to the fact that i have no desire to do that anymore. well, that's kind of a lie. i haven't done it in nearly two months but i do get urges sometimes. luckily they go away almost as quickly as they came, so. glad that's going well.

maybe listening to some more happy indie rock bullshit will improve my mood. maybe i just feel weird because i overslept or something. fuck if i know. i'm going to go thrifting today out of boredom and get groceries later. i need to keep my intake up, even if it's really hard to do so. i'm going to shower and get dressed and then i'll feel much better.

04-26-2023 - 8:51 AM EST
currently listening to: angel gets caught in the beauty trap by no-man

i woke up to a panic attack this morning. that hasn't happened in a while. i stressed myself out badly enough last night to warrant one, i guess. i woke up at 6:08 AM when my alarm was set for 7:45 AM. so much for my beauty sleep (which wasn't going to be that much anyways, i didn't go to bed until around 1:30 AM.)

i've thought about dieting again. i can do it in a healthy way so i don't trigger my eating disorder, it'll just take some time to set it up properly so i don't make myself feel astronomically worse. i need to exercise a bit too; i've gotten lazy. i've also started putting more effort into my appearance, i did my makeup for work for the first time in weeks. it doesn't make my self-esteem any better, but something is better than nothing. people generally treat you better when you're pretty. or so i'm told.

i don't have very much to say right now. my mind has been empty since i woke up. i want to try finishing my writing project but the ideas just don't flow like they used to. i feel limited/restricted. i don't really feel like anything i write or play is creative or interesting anymore. it hasn't been for a while, but especially now. i don't even feel like i can put things together on my own art-wise. i don't know why i bother. i should give up and work on something useful, like coding. who am i kidding, i don't even want to do that. maybe i'll write out of spite. that rhymes :^)

1:02 PM EST

i got rid of the previous entries. they felt more mean-spirited than anything. i don't like targeting things at people unless they deserve it and she doesn't. ...i really hate feeling this alone. when i said i only had about two or three good friends i meant it. i hate finally feeling like i belong somewhere and that i have a chance at getting better and then not being able to have it anymore. i've been sad and devaluing myself for days and this made it so much worse. i really want to go home, shower, and lay down. i don't even feel like eating right now. i don't mean that in a disordered way; i just don't have to motivation to get anything down. maybe once i'm home i'll feel better. i'm so tired.

04-27-2023 - 10:41 AM EST
currently listening to: (nice dream) by radiohead

good morning. i almost forgot to write! i just got back from walking to the park and enjoying some music. i've been listening to more porter robinson than i've intended to; i blame my gf for that. the weather was okay, but being in the sun made me kinda tired. don't know what that's all about. i finally got my desk set up so i can do computer stuff here instead of laying in my bed. my theory is that this will make me more productive. here's to hoping, i guess.

i have to go see my mom later to set up financial aid and other things for college. i'm super anxious about it. she's been procrastinating getting this done for months and i'm worried that i won't be able to get into the classes that i want; they're very niche subjects, unfortunately. i really don't want to wait until january to start college but i'm scared that i might have to if this doesn't work out. predicting a mental breakdown if this goes to shit later. i won't find out until after 2 PM when i go to see her.

i'm going this weekend to see my gf. i'm really excited!! i don't mind that we don't do very much when we're together, i love just being in her company and listening to her talk about vidya games and music stuff. i can't think of a better way to spend my time than being with her. i can't wait for when we eventually get a place together!! i've been looking at apartments and stuff around the other coast, i wanna move out of alva asap. i wanna have my own place already! i'm gonna be 20 in just over a week, so i should really start acting like an adult, y'know?

aaaghh i'm gonna go on a tangent about this actually. this is my main motivation to not rot in bed and wait for death. i wanna be able to see her more often, to hang out whenever and wherever we want, to go see shows together. i wanna find a nice job and get a decent place and take care of both of us. it's not gonna be easy, nothing is, but it's one of the only things i look forward to anymore (besides getting married .w.)

04-28-2023 - 8:55 AM EST
currently listening to: 953 by black midi

i get to see my gf tomorrow!! i'm super excited to hang out with her, i missed her so much this week. we're probably going to go to a park or something. i like being outside in nature; maybe it'll give me more ideas for my paintings. her mom is also gonna take us out for breakfast tomorrow morning for my birthday, since they won't see me the following weekend. i've never had someone's parents do that for me, especially not a romantic interest's ;w; i'm really happy that they like me. especially her mom!! she's so sweet and we get along so well. she reminds me of all of the good parts of my own mom, and none of the bad. i wanna get closer to her dad, too, but alas i am very bad at talking. i guess i act nicely enough. the cats like me. that's all that matters. :)

i got my college application stuff done yesterday. it'll take a few days for it to go through, and i'll be signing up for classes very late, but something is better than nothing i guess. hopefully this semester won't be complete dog shit. i'm really anxious about the classes i want still being available. if they're not, i'll just have to stick to the main ones i need, like math and science. it'll be okay! plus i'll have tuesday and thursday to do homework and stuff at my house. i'll save up, and then after college is over (since i have to stay in fort myers until my associate's is done probably) i'll get the apartment across the coast that i want. everything is going to work out just fine, i just need to stop worrying so much about everything. easier said than done.

i started painting again yesterday!! i did a slightly different version of "residential nemesis" by stanley donwood. it turned out a lot better than i expected. it took a lot of layers and blending on canvas, but i think i did a good job. i ended up posting it on my art account. it doesn't get much traction (which i couldn't possibly care less about) but it's nice to have a place to document all of the things i make. not sure what i wanna make next, but i'll think harder about it. cya!!

05-01-2023 - 8:44 AM EST
currently listening to: storm by godspeed you! black emperor

forgot to update!! actually... willingly didn't update. i was with gf all weekend!! i had a really nice time. we went to get breakfast saturday morning and i got to spend a good amount of time with her and her family. i got a chocolate chip waffle and it was fucking awesome. we went to a nearby park afterwards and it was super windy so i had to hold down my skirt the whole time, but it was still fun. they had these big ass lizards there (probably invasive species but what do i know) and i was so tempted to grab one. i love reptiles :) they're so cool

gf and i got subs and then went to five below. i got these really cute hello kitty & friends stickers even though i really don't give two fucks about sanrio. i just think the characters are adorable. plus the stickers are super glittery!! ...i have no idea where i'm going to put them. oops! i got this adorable frog plushie too. he kinda looks like he was crushed with a hydraulic press but i still love him and he is still my son. he has a face only a mother could love... hmm...

anxiously anticipating my FAFSA (college stuffs) to come in so i can enroll in my classes!! i'm gonna spend most of my time at work today planning out this coming semester and then once the funds come in then i can allocate it wherever it needs to go. i know i might not get the best classes since i signed up so late, but i'm still gonna make the most of it. it can't be that bad. well, maybe it can, but that's a future audrey problem. present audrey is going to relax and not blow her brains out.

my birthday is officially in one week. not sure how i feel about being 20. i can't use being a teenager as an excuse to do dumb shit anymore. maybe my brain is finally maturing? i feel like my frontal lobe(?) is developing more and it's making me want to act mature. gross! at least i'll have better work ethic or something. i'm rambling at this point lol. bye!

05-03-2023 - 9:57 PM EST
currently listening to: tomodachi life ost by nintendo

today was a little rocky i guess. i had an awesome time finishing up the new homepage for my website and i think it looks amazing! took me about seven and a half hours total, i think. had some sad ed thoughts, but i got over them pretty quickly. overall a decent day. sorry this is short, i'm not super focused on writing rn. love u guys

05-05-2023 - 9:17 AM EST
currently listening to: the cars outside

i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i've been doing so good in ed recovery for almost 2 months, and i feel like i'm fucking it up all over again. i can't even hold myself accountable anymore. i have no one to talk to who understands what i'm going through, and i can't be on recoverytwt because gf thinks it isn't good for me. i can barely talk to her about it because i'm sure she just wonders why i can't just be normal. i feel like she resents me for it. i'm totally alone with my thoughts.

i haven't self-harmed in a while, and i don't intend on doing so, but i really want to be pretty. why can't i be pretty like those girls she looks at? ...i'm sure she'll always think there's someone prettier than me. she's already pointed one out before. i don't think i'll ever actually be good enough for her. i'm really hurting and i don't even feel like i can bring it up. i'm just bothering her.

05-08-2023 - 1:30 PM EST
currently listening to: a little piece of heaven by avenged sevenfold

i'm officially 20 today! i can no longer blame my terrible decisions on being a dumb teenager. and i'm one year away from being able to drink legally. once my s/o and i are 21 we're gonna have a fucking field day. not much happening today besides that; i had to work so i'm just kinda. sitting at my desk working on my website. all is well. i don't feel awful today. :)

05-17-2023 - 10:27 AM EST
currently listening to: nsfl tier list video

i've made zero progress. i don't even know why i bother with getting better anymore; i always end up going right back to where i started. i know people say recovery isn't linear but fuck. i'm so tired. i've cut myself two days in a row now. i don't even know how to stop anymore. i can't even talk about it with her because i'll just make her disappointed. i don't think she would care enough to listen to me talk about it anyways.

god, all i did was ask her to stop talking to one girl because she makes me uncomfortable. one fucking girl! she doesn't even talk to her that much anyways, so why would it matter if she blocked her?? does she still have feelings for her or something? they've dated a couple of times, so probably. she's probably just keeping her around so she can go back to her when she gets bored of me; when i'm too much for her to deal with. i can't stand it, it's driving me fucking crazy. what purpose does she serve to you? why are you so adamant about keeping around a girl you used to/probably still are attracted to? is keeping her around more important than making me more comfortable? are you really more concerned about hurting her little feelings than making me feel secure? you know exactly why i'm anxious about this. i've told you everything. i can't explain this to you any better than i already have. why do you not care?

she doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. she used to ask to call me all the time and now i'm lucky if she can talk to me for longer than an hour. i feel like i'm getting less important to her as time goes on. when i'm around her physically she treats me really well, but as soon as we're long distance again it's like i don't even exist. why does it feel like she hates me now? am i really that annoying? all those girls are prettier than me anyways. i'm sure she wants one of them but settled on me. i look nothing like anyone she's attracted to. i fucking hate myself. i don't even want to eat today. i wanna go home.

05-26-23 - 11:55 AM EST
currently listening to: music theory lessons hoo wee mama

i woke up a little less sad than usual today. i cut my bangs last night so i feel as if i look a little cuter. i grabbed one a granola bar for breakfast and got an iced coffee on the way to work; both of which i've finished by now. i'm sitting here alternating between talking to gf and lizzy on discord and listening to my music theory stuff. i'm learning about chords and scales right now. it's only mildly confusing.

i've been trying to ignore how i feel more. i feel like maybe if i vent to my friends less they won't resent me as much. i joined two eating disorder servers on discord yesterday, got called fat, and left lol. it was pretty funny to me. didn't hurt my self-confidence at all which is weird. probably because i don't have any. that's why i just made fun of myself with them. hopefully i can turn my sad energy into something artistic. i was thinking of painting more or tuning up my guitar when i get home. those dead frets are fucking killing me. i wanna do it myself, getting someone else to do it for me just defeats the whole purpose of me getting this fucking thing.

i added some new pages to my site yesterday. well, i updated the virtual pets page i have and i added a chatbox to my site. i wanna get my own domain soon but i am completely lost on how to do that. i barely know html/css, how the fuck am i supposed to know how to put in a domain? anyways, i'll figure it out. i've only been doing coding for five months (i got my website in january) so i think i'm doing a decent job right now. i tried looking at how to program something in javascript and almost cried. i think i'll stick to this for now. cya!

06-07-23 - 9:08 AM EST
currently listening to: freak out by mothers of invention

i haven't been good at keeping up with this journal, sorry. i've been incredibly stressed out and anxious lately, to the point where it's actually affecting my physical health. i finally came out and told everyone what my abuser did to me, with mostly overwhelming support. the few people that don't believe me really get to me, though. he's a good liar and would do anything to get people on his side. he even lied and said i was 18 when we started dating when i was actually a minor. i hate him. i don't know what i did to deserve any of this. it's just one fucked up event after another. i'm not actively suicidal but god damn does this make me think about it.

the stuff happening to gf is killing me too. i held her sunday night and cried. i'm so scared for her. i don't want anything to happen to her and i would give everything just to make sure she's safe and cared for. i can't protect myself much less her. i feel so weak.

07-11-23 - 8:28 AM EST
currently listening to: nothing

i've been awake since 6 AM and i woke up like twice in the middle of the night. i feel so sick right now. i didn't eat dinner last night when i really should've so that's my fault. i got home way too late to cook anything.

the girl i was told not to worry about texted me over spacehey last night after i unblocked her and told me a bunch of stuff. i kind of figured that my gf felt that way, but... it still really hurts me. my trauma is too much for her like i suspected. it's a "bit overcooked" for lack of better wording. i'm just not going to say anything about my trauma and the stuff i think about anymore. i never wanted to burden her. she always told me that if something about me was bothering her she would tell me but,, i guess not. i love her so much and i feel like she hates me.

on top of that, she knew it was disrespectful to talk to a girl that was blatantly flirting with her but did it anyways. i feel like throwing up. she did tell her that she didn't want to be with her and she didn't plan on breaking up with me but everything feels off.... i wanted her to have friends. i guess i'm getting what i want in a really fucked up way. i don't want her to feel alone but i really don't want her talking to some girl that wants her like that... i have to finish the album cover today and i can't even focus on it. i feel fucking terrible. she didn't really do anything wrong technically speaking but some of that stuff just bothers me. she thinks i'm a burden or something because i'm protective over her and i don't like when girls try to flirt with her. i just wanted her to know how much i love her and she's starting to hate me. can i just be shot??

07-11-23 - 11:10 PM EST
currently listening to: jerma playing katamari

i got the album cover semi-finished. just needs minor details. i sit and wonder if anyone will remember me after i’m gone. if so, as what? everyone likes to treat you poorly and then cry over your headstone when you finally say fuck it and leave. is that what i’m destined for?? i’m way too pussy to kill myself but i often think about how nice it would be to get hit by an oncoming semi or to die in my sleep from a heart attack. maybe SN is still the way to go? who knows. i have to stay around for her sake even if my mind is convinced that she hates my existence and keeps me around for sex.

nothing feels the same anymore. im still reeling from her telling someone that me and my trauma is a burden to her. i trusted her so much. i never thought she would talk badly about me to someone. i never talk to other people about her that way. even if i’m complaining about something small, i still make it very apparent that i love her dearly. i dont understand. im not capable of understanding right now. i just have this terrible sinking feeling that’s being attributed to everything. the way she talks to me if she talks to me at all. the way every message is like three words long. i have to beg for her attention when shes not physically around and its making me want to die. i know the honeymoon phase or whatever is over but i still want her to treat me like she loves me. i dont even think she does anymore. if so, its very little. she probably just thinks im an annoyance she could do without. i wish she would just tell me to kill myself already so i dont have to bother her anymore. i love her so much that it hurts. ive been sick and physically hurt all day over this. i really love her.

home!!